Holding On

Diet Journal:

-          Red bean and cream bread (400)

-          Instant ramen with lunchbox of peas, carrots, corn, and fajita shrimps (1000)

-          Small bottle of apple juice (200)

-          Big mug of milk tea (300)

-          Cup of milk (200)

-          Cup of coke (200)

-          Bar of melon ice-cream (400)

-          Chocolate-chip cookie (300)

-          2 plates of poutine with gravy, cheese curds, and nachos cheese (600)

-          Plate of beef, long beans, and vegetable stew (carrots, potato, etc) (500)

= 4100 kcal???

Things I learned today:

-          Meditation and slow breathing and thinking about life really, really, realllllly helps

-          Internet information and chicken soup is best when you seek them out yourself. Including motivational strategies such as:

o   Stay positive (or be mindful of emotions)

o   Assign rewards (handing over 100 bucks to a friend is just not happening though. Hmm… How about, if I don’t drop the course, I will buy myself something for that game? Sounds like a decent starting point – gotta take control)

o   Be in the right crowd (I should stop pushing them away)

-          While doing said meditation, think about what you really want in life. At this point it includes a secure job, maybe a cat, and enough cash for my own place and games. Sorta pathetic, but hey I also said “yes” to dreams of a genuine and cute guy coming in and sweeping me off my feet. And I’d also like to be beautiful and wear cute clothes, and get cute clothes, but I definitely, have, zero, interest, in, spending time/money/energy on makeup. I am satisfied with my face, though less pimples will help (ugh. Skincare it is)

-          Negativity and wallowing in self pity DRAINS YOU. It also dents your energy levels and eats it up but fortunately, you can find calm and peace and be alright in the end. Always.

-          Books I read/trash I watch aren’t totally crap. They touch on some things, like… ambition. And staying true to what you want. And being a foolish stuck-up but a hero in the end.

Things I managed to do:

-          Started writing about life!! Hooray! I felt better (as suspected) right the moment I begin

-          Finish 1.5 volumes of The Bartimeaus Trilogy. I got impatient as usual, and skipped to the ending. Which I guess is a good thing, because that just means I am tired/want to move on from the vegetative spot on my bed.

-          Poke my roomie with what-if-am-lesbian talk. Idk, I think deep down am straight as fuck but man that manga is hot. And wrong on so many levels, but hey, let’s me honest, everyone and their fantasies.

-          Started on Artemis Fowl, then give up because I realised I’ve done this before, and suddenly snapped to priorities… I guess.

-          Finished an episode of

1)      Kuzu no honkai – it’s interesting and ok-ish but I wish I have friends

2)       Masamune – again I wish I have resolve and friends

3)      Youjo Senki – is great as usual. I love the loli

4)      Rakugo Shinjuu 2 – just melts my heart and gives me fuzzies.

Things I am grateful for/happy about:

-          My roomie. Waking me up even though I fell right back asleep after dismissing her by shrieking like a cat (literally)

-          The anime I watched. Everything seemed to be speaking to me somehow, from light comedy to more serious things. There are human behinds the shows after all, and I hope they will continue making great works (sorry for pirating, but hey I’m broke)

-          Starting to write everything down. Somehow this feels good and puts me a bit more in --- Control? Other than meditation. Yes.

-          The article I found about motivation – especially the emotions part! It makes so much sense and I must’ve been a solid dimwit to not get it sooner.

-          It’s 10PM and hey, I haven’t broken down yet. Maybe I will in a few hours, but I am definitely feeling better and more (!) energetic. I am also not too happy (so there won’t be a crash later. I think) nor clouded by fantasies of being depressed or bipolar or hyperactive or visiting a counsellor and everything will be all right or maybe magic calming pills (though yes, they do exist, but they are for physical and real conditions, no?)

-          I am alive, my parents care deeply about me, I am privileged to not have to worry financially or health-wise. I am also smart enough.

-          Thank you. I love you. I love me. And go forth to love more people.

-          Finally got the guts to save myself instead of curling up and screaming for help into the pillow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This fucking counts.