Dropped

Diet Journal

- Banana (120)
- Mac & Cheese with coleslaw (800?)
- Dinner (1500. Don't ask)
= 2420? getting there


Things I learned today

- Thoughts about what is feminism. Equality? Opportunity? Representation? Sexuality?
- Being sleep deprived really doesn't boost productivity/focus, but it's not an excuse to slack off too. Still managed to get more done compared to yesterday!
- One step at a time. You just have to start somewhere, and keep pushing. Keep pushing.
- Life isn't easy and you're not special. It is also too short and precious for self-absorbed whining.
- Love and be loved. Care and be cared. Be kind. Be generous. Be appreciative. Be grateful. Have faith in tomorrow, no, the next minute, being better.
- Don't indulge. In anything, really. Remain humble, stay genuine.


Things I managed to do

- Sent in (overdue by 7 minutes) application to PwC talent academy. It still counts as something ok
- Finished 1 more omega auction book. I know. Don't ask. They're ... entertaining and gross at the same time
- RSM 222 quiz (which was ok, even though I really gotta do practice questions)
- RSM 220 quiz. I REALLY NEED TO SOLIDIFY THIS
- Talked to parents, finalized summer plans and dropped CAS202. Shall download readings and still attend lessons, just not... grades for now.
- Found the student positions application page! I shall apply apply apply maybe I'd go to gaysoc after all shhhhhhh
- Pestered all my Chinese groups about Nier: Automata. IT'S COMING


Things I'm grateful/happy about

- Roomie squishies. I hope I don't piss her off too much
- Parents! It's good to talk to them normally and have their support. Feeling guilty though, financially am putting quite a bit of pressure on them... especially with my summer plans right now.
- Those fried long beans at dinner. They're good. Shut up.
- Synpai and set always rolling me over
- I should try to talk to at least 1 new person every day!! #lifegoals
- NIER: AUTOMATA. I'm readyyyyyyyy yesplease oh god I wast to draw sketches every day till release T v T

Holding On

Diet Journal:

-          Red bean and cream bread (400)

-          Instant ramen with lunchbox of peas, carrots, corn, and fajita shrimps (1000)

-          Small bottle of apple juice (200)

-          Big mug of milk tea (300)

-          Cup of milk (200)

-          Cup of coke (200)

-          Bar of melon ice-cream (400)

-          Chocolate-chip cookie (300)

-          2 plates of poutine with gravy, cheese curds, and nachos cheese (600)

-          Plate of beef, long beans, and vegetable stew (carrots, potato, etc) (500)

= 4100 kcal???

Things I learned today:

-          Meditation and slow breathing and thinking about life really, really, realllllly helps

-          Internet information and chicken soup is best when you seek them out yourself. Including motivational strategies such as:

o   Stay positive (or be mindful of emotions)

o   Assign rewards (handing over 100 bucks to a friend is just not happening though. Hmm… How about, if I don’t drop the course, I will buy myself something for that game? Sounds like a decent starting point – gotta take control)

o   Be in the right crowd (I should stop pushing them away)

-          While doing said meditation, think about what you really want in life. At this point it includes a secure job, maybe a cat, and enough cash for my own place and games. Sorta pathetic, but hey I also said “yes” to dreams of a genuine and cute guy coming in and sweeping me off my feet. And I’d also like to be beautiful and wear cute clothes, and get cute clothes, but I definitely, have, zero, interest, in, spending time/money/energy on makeup. I am satisfied with my face, though less pimples will help (ugh. Skincare it is)

-          Negativity and wallowing in self pity DRAINS YOU. It also dents your energy levels and eats it up but fortunately, you can find calm and peace and be alright in the end. Always.

-          Books I read/trash I watch aren’t totally crap. They touch on some things, like… ambition. And staying true to what you want. And being a foolish stuck-up but a hero in the end.

Things I managed to do:

-          Started writing about life!! Hooray! I felt better (as suspected) right the moment I begin

-          Finish 1.5 volumes of The Bartimeaus Trilogy. I got impatient as usual, and skipped to the ending. Which I guess is a good thing, because that just means I am tired/want to move on from the vegetative spot on my bed.

-          Poke my roomie with what-if-am-lesbian talk. Idk, I think deep down am straight as fuck but man that manga is hot. And wrong on so many levels, but hey, let’s me honest, everyone and their fantasies.

-          Started on Artemis Fowl, then give up because I realised I’ve done this before, and suddenly snapped to priorities… I guess.

-          Finished an episode of

1)      Kuzu no honkai – it’s interesting and ok-ish but I wish I have friends

2)       Masamune – again I wish I have resolve and friends

3)      Youjo Senki – is great as usual. I love the loli

4)      Rakugo Shinjuu 2 – just melts my heart and gives me fuzzies.

Things I am grateful for/happy about:

-          My roomie. Waking me up even though I fell right back asleep after dismissing her by shrieking like a cat (literally)

-          The anime I watched. Everything seemed to be speaking to me somehow, from light comedy to more serious things. There are human behinds the shows after all, and I hope they will continue making great works (sorry for pirating, but hey I’m broke)

-          Starting to write everything down. Somehow this feels good and puts me a bit more in --- Control? Other than meditation. Yes.

-          The article I found about motivation – especially the emotions part! It makes so much sense and I must’ve been a solid dimwit to not get it sooner.

-          It’s 10PM and hey, I haven’t broken down yet. Maybe I will in a few hours, but I am definitely feeling better and more (!) energetic. I am also not too happy (so there won’t be a crash later. I think) nor clouded by fantasies of being depressed or bipolar or hyperactive or visiting a counsellor and everything will be all right or maybe magic calming pills (though yes, they do exist, but they are for physical and real conditions, no?)

-          I am alive, my parents care deeply about me, I am privileged to not have to worry financially or health-wise. I am also smart enough.

-          Thank you. I love you. I love me. And go forth to love more people.

-          Finally got the guts to save myself instead of curling up and screaming for help into the pillow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This fucking counts.

  

Still Dreaming, Much updates

Okay wow it's been a few years.

1) Moved to Canada, goodbye friends and A levels
2) Goodbye Japanese
3) Made internet friends
4) Drew, Drawn, Drawing(?)
5) Hey Steam, I'm no longer a pirate.
6) Transistor, Chile of Light, the last remnant = Great. Touken Ranbu, Blade and Soul, Terra, Aion = much hype but neh.
7) Did I mention I graduated highschool in one piece?
8) Moving to Toronto for university in... 14 days. Wow.
9) MISS MY FRIENDS

...
10) 烨枔紫邀请您访问多玩游戏论坛
http://bbs.duowan.com/?fromuid=60300806

Yeah empty life, in some sort of limbo dream.

\(OvO)/

If only I can rant but no I don't even have the energy to do that anymore plus no one gives a shit and it's unproductive anyway.

Productivity. Right.

I've not been productive and I feel like shit.

I should stop using the s-word. Sooner or later I'll regret it (actually I already do).

I've been escaping from the world in general. General Paper common test on Wednesday. Just got 18/50 for my essay. My structure, grammar, expression, logic, examples, content, whatever is worthless.

Well by now you should know I can't really think straight. Actually you shouldn't cause you're just a white space I type on.

I think He knows, but still sometimes I have a hard time getting to Him.

S-slurpee I don't even know what I'm typing even more.

Let's summarize what got me so down today:

1) Guilt = I've not been doing work and ain't planning to. I suck, I know
2) Low GP scores = well it wasn't actually expected since I thought I did decently for the test but apparently nope, 7/35 for content you don't say
3) Japanese = I realised lessons don't actually help and you have to work your ass off on your own and apparently everyone else is, surprise surprise! So I'm pretty screwed, my grammar vocab etc. whatever aren't improving simply because I'm not putting work into it.
4) Social isolation = not really I guess. I kind of want people, but then again I don't. Like I know that guy was just trying to be nice and make conversation (hopefully, I try very hard to believe so) but commenting on how weird sounding my Japanese accent is ("Is it the weirdest in class?" "...I won't answer I don't like to offend people" "... ...you think you haven't offended me enough?"), and showing off how he studies with his new samsung(?) tablet thingy on the exhausted trip back home doesn't help. At all.
Also my mom's been terribly nice but I've been a brat to her, so that's something. My dad's been kind of unstable as well, and it's terrible when she rants about him to me cause... well, guilt.
5) Idiot = when I speak with my classmates with dreams of solving world hunger with mouths full of philosophy politics how to study what materials fully annotated sets of notes I realised how shallow and ignorant and stupid I am. How many times did I repeat the word "realised"?
6) Bloody damn guilt and somehow I get too tired to give a slurpee about life because I actually do care hell damned much but it'll only hurt more that way.

No I just don't make any sense.

I just realised this is ranting after all.

And it's all about me, me, me. See how selfish? Yeah I'm showing off my moopiness whatever because I'm allowed to. Welcome to the internet where everyone yet no one gives a slurpee.

Food Blog 16

I really don't want to do this but here goes:

1) 1 bowl of instant noodles with veggie etc.

2) 1 can of melon milk

3) 1 small plate of Hong Kong Mee with extra cabbage

4) 1 biiig slice of cheapo fake "Hawaiian Pizza" - still very oily though...

5) 2 bowls of veg. soup with fish tofu, veg. balls etc. and stir fried cauliflower

Food Blog 15

Can't believe that I managed to pick this back up after Chinese new year. It's kind of depressing, really...

1) 1 thin pc watermelon, half small apple

2) Kway teow + dumplings. Reminder to self: dumplings from school canteen wanton mee store SUCKS

3) 1 packet soya milk drink

4) 3 medium bowls of soup filled with veggie and fishballs, together with a bit of pork and a WHOLE side of steamed fish ; u ;

5) 1 small packet of choco hello panda...

Food Blog 14

1) 1 Subway cookie

2) 1 big bowl porridge

3) 1 bowl young tau foo with no rice/noodle

4) 1 choco madness chewy ; u ;

5) KFC 2pc chicken set (includes coleslaw and 12oz pepsi)

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

and Chinese New Year's coming so I'll be feasting... NOoooo