If only I can rant but no I don't even have the energy to do that anymore plus no one gives a shit and it's unproductive anyway.
Productivity. Right.
I've not been productive and I feel like shit.
I should stop using the s-word. Sooner or later I'll regret it (actually I already do).
I've been escaping from the world in general. General Paper common test on Wednesday. Just got 18/50 for my essay. My structure, grammar, expression, logic, examples, content, whatever is worthless.
Well by now you should know I can't really think straight. Actually you shouldn't cause you're just a white space I type on.
I think He knows, but still sometimes I have a hard time getting to Him.
S-slurpee I don't even know what I'm typing even more.
Let's summarize what got me so down today:
1) Guilt = I've not been doing work and ain't planning to. I suck, I know
2) Low GP scores = well it wasn't actually expected since I thought I did decently for the test but apparently nope, 7/35 for content you don't say
3) Japanese = I realised lessons don't actually help and you have to work your ass off on your own and apparently everyone else is, surprise surprise! So I'm pretty screwed, my grammar vocab etc. whatever aren't improving simply because I'm not putting work into it.
4) Social isolation = not really I guess. I kind of want people, but then again I don't. Like I know that guy was just trying to be nice and make conversation (hopefully, I try very hard to believe so) but commenting on how weird sounding my Japanese accent is ("Is it the weirdest in class?" "...I won't answer I don't like to offend people" "... ...you think you haven't offended me enough?"), and showing off how he studies with his new samsung(?) tablet thingy on the exhausted trip back home doesn't help. At all.
Also my mom's been terribly nice but I've been a brat to her, so that's something. My dad's been kind of unstable as well, and it's terrible when she rants about him to me cause... well, guilt.
5) Idiot = when I speak with my classmates with dreams of solving world hunger with mouths full of philosophy politics how to study what materials fully annotated sets of notes I realised how shallow and ignorant and stupid I am. How many times did I repeat the word "realised"?
6) Bloody damn guilt and somehow I get too tired to give a slurpee about life because I actually do care hell damned much but it'll only hurt more that way.
No I just don't make any sense.
I just realised this is ranting after all.
And it's all about me, me, me. See how selfish? Yeah I'm showing off my moopiness whatever because I'm allowed to. Welcome to the internet where everyone yet no one gives a slurpee.
