I should be doing work, but I suppose a bit of reflection is called for.
The context I'm writing this in:
-I've just flunked both my Math and Bio papers
My emotions since then:
-stoned
-sad
-depressed
-recovery (and getting ready to face parents)
-angry/frustrated/*&$^&&-overload- (when facing parents)
-somehow calm while typing thing
Emotions of my parents:
-Weirdly calm (dad) + total angst (mom)
-Still calm (dad) + worried (mom)
-OUTBREAK OF FRUSTRATION/ANGER/DISAPPOINTMENT etc. (dad-he did a good job not lashing out at me though, which I'm sure would have made matters way WORSE) + NAGSCREAMNAG(mom)
-Appears to be somewhat calm (dad) + normal mom mood (mom)
So we talked, or rather THEY talked. My mom was angry at me, sad with my failure, but I can tell she really cares about me and she believes in me, and that she has hope - hope that I'll do well again, hope that I'm going to "turn over a new leaf" and become a good student, study hard etc.
Quoting her,
"I know you are stressed, but when you are stressed find a better way to handle it. Don't turn to the computer or escape to the book world, it's just a temporary relief with consequences later. It's becoming like, like drugs. You can find better ways to deal with problems - there are lots of others going through the same thing as you do, and the only difference is that they handle the problems differently. I really want to help you. Tell me what's wrong, and we'll work together to face it."
I'm just really speechless. Wow. I mean, she did say a lot of other hurtful things (eg we've clothed you, fed you, provided you with the best we could offer, and what did you do in return???), but when you pick out the important bits and pieces, the bits and pieces that she actually /means/, it makes a whole lot of sense and difference. I know my mom has never been good with words, and flies into a temper a lot, and place my grades above anything else, but really, I love her.
My dad is another thing. He's the most "sensible" one in the family, and perhaps talk a lot less, but when he does talk, he makes sure that it's...一针见血, to the point.
Quoting him,
"I don't think your problem is just with flunking a few papers. No, your problem has to do with your whole mentality and attitude towards studying. Do you think you are more clever than the rest of the kids in your class? Do you not want to do well? Do you think you can have a bright future without going to school? If you have such confidence, I'm not going to stop you. We have provided you with all the conditions to excel, and really, the rest is up to you. Reflect on how you've been treating your studies, have you really been serious about it all this while? Or are you putting it at the end of your priority list? I'm going on fifty this year. I can only be with you for another 30 years at most, and you have to walk on your own from then. I'm not going to order you to do anything, all I ask is that you think for yourself, very clearly, what YOU want for YOUR future, and how will you get there. You can lie to me about the effort you put in, deceive your mom, but don't trick yourself. I'm not going to impose any rules, or stop you from doing anything, because frankly we do not have the power to do so. From now on, you take care of yourself and be responsible for your own decisions. Remember, it'll only be 2 years until it's time for you to make the big choice and get out from the shelter of home. Also remember that your dad missed lots of opportunities and did not get to do a lot of things he wanted because he is simply past that stop in life.You are at that stop now."
Perhaps another bit of information is required to understand that chunk of words:
-I've been embarking on this vicious cycle of "stress" --> "I don't want to study" --> "Plays comp/reads" --> "Less time! Lots of work!" --> "more stress" --> ...
-I admit I could have worked a lot harder. I have not been putting in my all. School and work was just something that had to be dealt with.
-I admit I have not been using my time well
-I admit that I'm just a lazy, direction-less bum who've been thinking, hey, what's the point of school and studying if I don't even know what I'm going to do in the future? There's no dream nor ambition, not even close to it.
Sorry if this is getting boring. Need I mention that my language skills suck as well?
All I could think, after listening to them, is that it's true that no ones knows you better than your parents. They are the ones that will say all the "bad stuff" which really really stings, until you "wake up". I was angry at first, perhaps because thy pointed out the bloody truth of there-is-really-no-one-to-blame-but-yourself, but after a while the anger just evaporated. I have known my own problem ever since the laid-back attitude grabbed me start of this year, but I couldn't deal with it nor can I solve it myself. Deep down, I feel rotten. To avoid that feeling, I somewhat consciously avoided thinking too much, or even the routine praying before I go to sleep every night (not an exaggeration, I've never spoken to Him properly for quite a while now, and I guess that has something to do with my unstable moods). What my dad did was to dig out all those rotten parts, threw them in front of me and forced me to do something with them.
I'm not sure if I've done something about it, or if I'm able to do anything at all.
However, I am sure that I felt a whole lot better somehow. No, I'm not a masochist who likes getting scolded. I'm just a person who is glad that she can finally face her mistakes, and is given the power to make things right - believe it or not, that's what I felt.
I hope I'll remember what they said to me and what I felt within the last few hours forever.
I love you mom, I love you dad. You guys gave me the power to make the right decision.
It really sucks to be me, because I was such a rotten person who's lazy, a liar, and treated the people who love me most like shit.
But I'm going to be better, and because of you I already am.
