Food Blog 4

I would first like to declare that due to SAT today, I am taking a break from my diet...

1) 1 egg

2) 1 veggie pau

3) 1 Ferrero rocher

4) Japanese Nabeyaki set - contains cabbage-and-chicken soup, small bowl of udon, 3 pc sushi and 2 fried chicken balls orz

5) 1 apple

YES I'M NOT DIETING AND I DON'T GIVE A -

Food Blog 3

Still doing this... effective way to diet cause you feel guilty once you put everything down D:

1) Medium sized bowl of vegetarian porridge

2) Bubble tea, pearls included (SUGAR + TAPIOCA! oh no ;u;)

3) Rice + curry sauce + chicken cutlet (gah I ate the skin as well orz) + long beans + cheese sausage (I know, I know...)

4) Big cup of freshly squeezed apple juice, zilch sugar

5) Huge bowl of vegetable soup with soft boiled egg

6) A medium sized banana

Har... har... I shall name this "the diet of a pig".

Food Blog 2

I can't believe I managed to stick with this.

Continuing from yesterday...

1) Wanton noodles from school canteen

2) Cup of milo also from canteen

3) Soya beancurd, green tea flavour, also consumed in canteen...

4) 2 medium sized veggie pau with small plate of stir-fried cauliflower at home

5) An apple and a banana

Gosh this is so not a diet D|

Food Blog 1

I am going to be serious about my diet this time. I mean I've lost 3kg successfully before, but then gained them back after a while... argh.

Listing what I ate should help.

1) Weird "Japanese" beef with rice from school canteen. Threw majority of the rice away but still. Shall remember to not buy from that stall again.

2) Regular slurpee from 7-11. So guilty.

3) HUGE bowl of cheese pasta. It was only nice for the few first bites before I got sick of the super cheesy taste ): but it's still quite worth it. Good to eat when you're super hungry/feeling super cheesy (no pun intended).

4) Home made yong tau fu, 2 bowls. Has like fishcakes etc etc but it's mainly veg so it's... okay? OTL it has potatoes though...

5) 5 squares of milk chocolate. I always have sugar rushes at like around 8-10pm every day grrrr- /facepalms

HOW IS THIS A DIET EVEN.
-----------------------------------------------------
Stuff I should actually be worrying about:

-SAT. In 2 days.
-CCA trials, portfolios, etc.
-JC life. Especially about studies, new subjects, enrichment programs, etc.
-My future in general.
-... ... ... ... I have to get back to the real word. It's hard, since I've been surviving with 20% of myself standing on solid ground since, idk, forever?

Mathematics

It's end of year examinations and I think I'm going to screw it.

Not because I don't know how to do the questions but because I won't have enough time and probably will make loaaads of careless mistakes (esp for differentiation and integration, not mention simple calculation errors ._.)

Shiet, just shiet.

I really need my 4.0 with this.

---This is an official blog dedicated to prayers to the exam god. If you see this, pray with me.

Ame- wait, Examen?!?

(...no offence intended so please refrain from taking any. This girl is desperate.)

Darn. Suck it up, Singapore.

This post is probably a result of too much reading about globalisation and what not crap at the last minute for the social studies test tomorrow.

The topic is "Globalisation" "Singapore" "Heartware" "Hardware".

The person here is a "new immigrant", the "deadly enemy" of some "native Singaporeans" who is, alas, not born on this sacred piece of a red dot.

Sense my sarcasm. Only that there's nothing to be sarcastic about, only to be sad about.

The person here is also extremely immature, both age wise and brain wise. This person has also lead a very sheltered life so far. So just bear with me.

I really don't want this to be a complaint. Let's do a sum-up of all the conflicting viewpoints about The Singaporean Society (pop. 4mil?), the $ sign, globalisation and The Government.

Views:
http://youdonthavetoagree.wordpress.com/2012/09/02/letter-to-singapore/
----mainly negative
-Singapore society is too "jaded"
-High pressure, etc. - government just chase for profit
-Ha, we used to believe in "no gambling" and stood up for that belief, so what's up now?
-"Embrace variety"? Or is it just "tolerate"?
-Too much "hardware", too focused on the shallow glossy surface
-Damn immigrant expats.
-Well maybe not, but plenty of anti-sentiments against them and PAP for showing favouritism to those people
-...and the competition they bring, even those who are "new here" like me.
-Hey, can we stop focusing on just trying to survive? On the "footage of HDB flats"? We can do much more.

Continuing if I get more...but that's about the gist of it.

---somewhat in contrary to the above
-Change is in your hands mates! Let the young generation redefine Singapore.
-Get more babies and stop migrating if you don't like "foreigners". Period. (government coughcough)
-Singaporeans will become extinct. We will lose jobs, lose investments... our neighbours will catch up...blah blah...CONCLUSION: You swim or you sink (coughcough LKY/LHL...)


On the bright side of things...
http://www.todayonline.com/Singapore/EDC120909-0000043/Key-challenge-of-Spore-conversation-is-managing-expectations--PM-Lee
+that national day rally.


Okay. Breath.

From MY view, this is quite ridiculous.
I'm very fortunate to have a school with a social studies program that allows us to explore such topics, and keep in touch with the world and our country. I'm really grateful for that. I'm grateful that I have a teacher who is genuinely concerned about this country's future and how the younger generation thinks and knows.

Look at the SS textbooks of other secondary schools. I shall daringly suggest that they are almost equivalents of what we call "propaganda" (not that I'm very against it). The whole purpose-filled National Education system/module is, to be honest, pretty disturbing (especially to scholars and people like me - no offence). I can tell that (most) teachers, although they respect the whole idea, cannot seem to take it seriously as well.

What has made me feel much more Singaporean is this whole social studies program, which we discuss issues and make comments that are perhaps more or less inappropriate (aka, politically incorrect) - especially about government/political issues. Funny thing is, even though we make lots of comments (coughs) about the ruling party, most of us still supports it. It is really worrying to see the whole wave of anti-PAP sentiments coming in from people who, if I may purpose, have no idea of what they are doing.

PAP had its problems. PAP had its fair share of failures. To chase them out and saying that they are brainwashing people? Erm.

Singaporeans' expectations keep rising to don't know where, and I just can't stand the ignorance sometimes.

I also can't stand the narrow minds here. I've tried hard to be accepted into this society, and largely I've been successful - modifying my accent when speaking Chinese, learning Singlish, etc. The vary fact that I realised I need to do this somehow in my toddling years to avoid getting disadvantaged is something.

Gosh idk what I'm writing anymore. Will probably fail test tomorrow. Too tired to care. Too fed up (for whatever reason) to care.

Probably leaving for Canada next year.
.....har, har.   .____.

It sucks to be me

I should be doing work, but I suppose a bit of reflection is called for.

The context I'm writing this in:
-I've just flunked both my Math and Bio papers

My emotions since then:
-stoned
-sad
-depressed
-recovery (and getting ready to face parents)
-angry/frustrated/*&$^&&-overload- (when facing parents)
-somehow calm while typing thing

Emotions of my parents:
-Weirdly calm (dad) + total angst (mom)
-Still calm (dad) + worried (mom)
-OUTBREAK OF FRUSTRATION/ANGER/DISAPPOINTMENT etc. (dad-he did a good job not lashing out at me though, which I'm sure would have made matters way WORSE) + NAGSCREAMNAG(mom)
-Appears to be somewhat calm (dad) + normal mom mood (mom)

So we talked, or rather THEY talked. My mom was angry at me, sad with my failure, but I can tell she really cares about me and she believes in me, and that she has hope - hope that I'll do well again, hope that I'm going to "turn over a new leaf" and become a good student, study hard etc.

Quoting her,
"I know you are stressed, but when you are stressed find a better way to handle it. Don't turn to the computer or escape to the book world, it's just a temporary relief with consequences later. It's becoming like, like drugs. You can find better ways to deal with problems - there are lots of others going through the same thing as you do, and the only difference is that they handle the problems differently. I really want to help you. Tell me what's wrong, and we'll work together to face it."

I'm just really speechless. Wow. I mean, she did say a lot of other hurtful things (eg we've clothed you, fed you, provided you with the best we could offer, and what did you do in return???), but when you pick out the important bits and pieces, the bits and pieces that she actually /means/, it makes a whole lot of sense and difference. I know my mom has never been good with words, and flies into a temper a lot, and place my grades above anything else, but really, I love her.

My dad is another thing. He's the most "sensible" one in the family, and perhaps talk a lot less, but when he does talk, he makes sure that it's...一针见血, to the point.

Quoting him,
"I don't think your problem is just with flunking a few papers. No, your problem has to do with your whole mentality and attitude towards studying. Do you think you are more clever than the rest of the kids in your class? Do you not want to do well? Do you think you can have a bright future without going to school? If you have such confidence, I'm not going to stop you. We have provided you with all the conditions to excel, and really, the rest is up to you. Reflect on how you've been treating your studies, have you really been serious about it all this while? Or are you putting it at the end of your priority list? I'm going on fifty this year. I can only be with you for another 30 years at most, and you have to walk on your own from then. I'm not going to order you to do anything, all I ask is that you think for yourself, very clearly, what YOU want for YOUR future, and how will you get there. You can lie to me about the effort you put in, deceive your mom, but don't trick yourself. I'm not going to impose any rules, or stop you from doing anything, because frankly we do not have the power to do so. From now on, you take care of yourself and be responsible for your own decisions. Remember, it'll only be 2 years until it's time for you to make the big choice and get out from the shelter of home. Also remember that your dad missed lots of opportunities and did not get to do a lot of things he wanted because he is simply past that stop in life.You are at that stop now."

Perhaps another bit of information is required to understand that chunk of words:
-I've been embarking on this vicious cycle of  "stress" --> "I don't want to study" --> "Plays comp/reads" --> "Less time! Lots of work!" --> "more stress" --> ...
-I admit I could have worked a lot harder. I have not been putting in my all. School and work was just something that had to be dealt with.
-I admit I have not been using my time well
-I admit that I'm  just a lazy, direction-less bum who've been thinking, hey, what's the point of school and studying if I don't even know what I'm going to do in the future? There's no dream nor ambition, not even close to it.

Sorry if this is getting boring. Need I mention that my language skills suck as well?

All I could think, after listening to them, is that it's true that no ones knows you better than your parents. They are the ones that will say all the "bad stuff" which really really stings, until you "wake up". I was angry at first, perhaps because thy pointed out the bloody truth of there-is-really-no-one-to-blame-but-yourself, but after a while the anger just evaporated. I have known my own problem ever since the laid-back attitude grabbed me start of this year, but I couldn't deal with it nor can I solve it myself. Deep down, I feel rotten. To avoid that feeling, I somewhat consciously avoided thinking too much, or even the routine praying before I go to sleep every night (not an exaggeration, I've never spoken to Him properly for quite a while now, and I guess that has something to do with my unstable moods). What my dad did was to dig out all those rotten parts, threw them in front of me and forced me to do something with them.

I'm not sure if I've done something about it, or if I'm able to do anything at all.

However, I am sure that I felt a whole lot better somehow. No, I'm not a masochist who likes getting scolded. I'm just a person who is glad that she can finally face her mistakes, and is given the power to make things right - believe it or not, that's what I felt.

I hope I'll remember what they said to me and what I felt within the last few hours forever.

I love you mom, I love you dad. You guys gave me the power to make the right decision.

It really sucks to be me, because I was such a rotten person who's lazy, a liar, and treated the people who love me most like shit.

But I'm going to be better, and because of you I already am.